Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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