i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
