i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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