Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
