Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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