Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize