this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
