theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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