he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
