Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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