if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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