Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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