There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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