is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i think i have two assholes
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
