Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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