i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
