Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We have so much sex to catch up on
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
