sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
