and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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