I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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