wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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