like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
