He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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