apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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