I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
