Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
