Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I will be naked everywhere
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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