I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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