Moan for me like Helen Keller
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
