Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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