My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
