You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
