My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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