i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
