I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
