mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
