I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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