I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
