He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
