nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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