we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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