I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
