I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
