I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
