I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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