Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
