weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
