My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
