You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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