Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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