She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
