You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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