Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
