Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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