She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
