and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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