I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
