Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
