thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
