I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
